The Waiting Game

It's a strange feeling being pregnant and even stranger "waiting" for your scheduled c-section. It plays on your emotions. Carrying another life is such a blessing it's hard to describe all the emotions that go with it. I feel like my first trimester lasted forever since we found out at 4 weeks we were expecting (planned). The second and third trimesters have flown by and part of me feels sad it's almost over. This might be the last time I ever feel a kicking baby in my tummy or get to bring another person into this world. RJ and I want a big family, but realistically you never know. On the other hand, I'm really looking forward to finally meeting this little guy I've been totting around. I know nothing about boys so this should be interesting.

It's crazy to think this is the last weekend ever that RJ, Campbell and I will be a family of only three. It's all we have ever known for 20 months now. Life is just going to get better and better with our new addition. I only wish my Papaw was here to meet our little man.

If you know me, you know I like to be in charge. Not being in charge derails me. I like to be organized and make plans. I also like to know what is about to happen. I wish I was more spontatious at times (like RJ and the rest of my family) but I feel like an organized Ashley (and family) run smoother. I'm working on this part of me. That being said, I've been worrying about how Campbell will adjust to the new baby. It's going to rock her little perfect world and that scares me. It's been only her and me during the day, our same little routine day after day, and in about 4 short days all of our "normal" is out of the window. I know change is good. I know. I keep praying about it and reading scripture over and over. I know everything will work out because God is in control. But you other mommy's know it still weighs on us. I just love her so much. I want to be the one that fixes everything for her. Lately, she's been so attached to me. Calling out Momma all the time and not wanting to go to anyone else (not even RJ). I think she senses something is up. She can't get enough of me right now.

Anxiety. Such an ugly word. Anxiety of waiting for Tuesday to come. Anxiety of how the surgery will go. Anxiety of how the recovery will go (and remembering how painful it was last time). Anxiety of the sleepless nights to come. Anxiety of how to love another child as much as I love Campbell. What is wrong with me?!?! I almost didn't write this post. It's pretty personal. But I really get comfort out of talking to other mom's that leave comments and have gone through the same emotions. That is what I love about my Mom's Night Out girls. We share our stories-- good and bad, funny and embarrassing. Mommyhood isn't easy all the time but it's rewarding and I wouldn't change being a mom for anything. I feel so lucky to be able to stay home with my kids.

Every emotion comes full circle and now by the time I'm wrapping this post up I'm feeling blessed. Don't you love hormones?!?!? ha ha.. I really do feel so blessed though. Blessed that I get to be a mommy to two kids. Blessed to have such a wonderful hubby, family and support group of friends. I know Tuesday will be a day of mixed emotions all around, but I also know it will be one of the greatest days of my life and for that I am thankful.